.Loneliness.
To those of you who can do things all by yourself, you deserve my admiration. I really envy those who can go out on their own, w/o asking anybody out at all. As in, they can walk down é streets of Orchard Road, w/o feeling any sense of loneliness. They live their own lifestyles w/o having é need to suit others ard them. They don't need to wait for their friends to call upon them.

I can never really do that. I tried a few days ago but i was totally lost, wth nothing in mind that i could do. All i did was to sit in one corner of a shopping centre, watching people walk past me. To me, that was pathetic. I cld never do w/o friends, never. I can never stand loneliness, it doesn't exist in my dictionary. I need friends ard me to perk me up, to accompany me, to be there for me.

H/e, with é situation i am in now, i need to learn to be like them, to be independent. It's a tough road ahead, but i chose it. I didn't put up a wall to isolate myself cause i felt happy doing it. I'm definitely not unwilling to share with my friends. Instead i shared too much, so much so that a wall is needed to make my friends realise that you need to share as well. It's gonna be a one way communication if i continue to share w/o my friends sharing in return. That's how i feel, personally.

I'm not forcing anyone to share everything with me, but at least be willing to tell. If you aren't even willing to tell in é first place, i don't see why i shld share. I understd that there are certain unhappy events that you really do not wish to mention. But if you can tell it to another person & you can't to me, it shows that i'm not a trustworthy person. To me, if i don't knw a friend well enough, i failed as a friend, irregardless of whether é friend was willing to show his personal side or whether i even bother to enquire more. If you ask me whether i'm successful as a friend, i can reply you instantly that i've failed miserably, terribly. It's é truth, i swear. Maybe that's why i'm suffering now, from all my bad deeds. Karma, retribution, that's wat i call it.

.Commoner Vs Celestial Beings.
A commoner got to knw some celestial beings by chance. He mingled wth them very often, enjoying each other's company, & soon became really close friends. As time went by, é commoner began to feel a little left out due to é fact that é celestial beings had to go back to heaven frequently to run some errands, & that é commoner can't join them since he is forbidden to enter é lands of heaven. é celestial beings spent quite alot of time together & tried to include é commoner in every aspect of wat they were doing. H/e, é commoner still felt that there was an invisible gap btwn them.

é commoner soon realise that actually there's alot of things going on btwn é celestial beings which he didn't knw. This meant that é celestial beings told each other alot of personal stuff which é commoner never get to knw, unless é celestial beings happen to mention them while they were wth é commoner. é commoner never really probed too much, since he felt that if é celestial beings wanted to tell him, they will tell him by themselves. é commoner did get pissed once in a while since he felt that é celestial beings didn't include him as part of é grp & whenever this happens, é commoner will distance himself away frm é celestial beings.

Soon after, after such incidents happen ever so often, é gap widened. é commoner felt that he didn't belong to é grp anymore. He tried to fit in, doing things which é celestial beings did. But there were restrictions & limitations as to how much é commoner cld do. Afterall he was jus a commoner, just someone insignificant, someone who will never be able to enjoy é pleasures of heaven like é celestial beings. He was really unhappy that things hafta turned out this way but it was inevitable. This gap btwn them will always exist no matter how much they tried to fit in to each others' lives.

é commoner decided to back out, going back to his way of life. He could foresee that it was a lonely path ahead, but it was also a path of independence since during that period of time, é commoner has relied too much on é company of é celestial beings. He decided to embark on this path because he felt that it wld be better for both parties. He was really tired of having conflicts ever so often because of his inferiority & sensitiveness, he was really tired of getting himself upset & blaming himself in é end for causing so much trouble for é celestial beings.

He also knew for a fact that é celestials beings were tired & unhappy as well frm such conflicts. He really didn't want them to feel that way anymore. For his & their own good, he decided to take on this path of a lone ranger's. He will feel lost & depressed, but he'll find his way out of it eventually. For his friends, he is willing to sacrifice. This may sound exaggerating, but it's true. He just wants to do wat he thinks it's best.

.é Ugly Side.
Happy Chinese New Year! Though it's not really a happy one. Just ain't really in é mood, maybe becauz of é age factor. Every year is just so routine, so similar i realise. I just don't enjoy myself as much as i do when i'm young. In addition to the dull mood, i've seen é ugly side of Singaporeans today. It totally disgusts me & makes me ashame of being a Singaporean. Are Singaporeans really as "kiasu" (afraid of losing out) as wat they are termed to be? Is there a need for such an attitude? Is there a need to bad mouth others just becauz you don't get wat you want? I get so frustrated seeing such people around.

I know it's only é minority i've seen, but i'm pretty sure there's more people out there. I guess it's é character of every Singaporeans. On é other hand, i'm really looking forward for tomorrow's visit to one of my officer's place, afterwhich my friends, relatives & my Bro's pals will come over to my place for a gathering. That's actually é only thing i'm looking forward to tis Chinese New Year. I just hope everyone have fun & enjoy themselves.

Fair
Life can be very unfair at times. You may not get what you want all é time. You can work very hard for something, yet nothing comes out of it. Or maybe it didn't turn out é way you want it to be, that's why we always say it's unfair, when in fact the outcome is already more than what we deserve. I understand that i can't always have my way in life, but sometimes when you really try so hard, you just want a little something in return, that's all you ask for.

Maybe i'm calculative, or in fact, i am. I always feel that i sacrifice more than others. I put in effort, but i see no returns. This really makes me give up & want to be an insensitive & heartless person. But that's seriously not me. Contradictive? It is indeed.

What do i seriously want? Why do i keep asking for more? Why can i never be satisfied? These are questions that are on my mind for é past few days.