Realm of Deep Thoughts
Hvn't been updating for quite some time. No particular reason for not doing so. Things seems 2 be calming down at home, for the better i hope. Really don't wanna go through all of tht again. Grandma's health is improving gradually but she still can't stop complaining abt everything. She looks skinnier now, due 2 her reluctance in eating many things, including meat. As i've said before, she's like a doctor herself, determining wat she cld eat & wat she cldn't.

As for my Aunt, she's not shouting or screaming as much as last time, jus once in a while. H/e, she's still having her insomnias as usual, not being able 2 sleep peacefully & soundly. Seems like she's worrying abt lotsa things, both at home & work. Mum is still ignoring Grandma in many ways, but she does answer Grandma whenever she asks sth, so it's still alright. She told me this afternoon tht actually there's nothing wrong wth my Grandma's health, it's all in � heart or wat we call "Xin Bing". I guess so too.

My house seems 2 be falling apart, after like ard 7-9 yrs of staying here. Pipes seems 2 be leaking every now & then. Guess it's wear & tear, no doubt abt tht. Wonder whether my parents wanna move out of here anytime soon, 2 a smaller house tht's much more easier 2 manage. Hve no objections 2 moving 2 a smaller place, jus spend more money on designing it. Hopefully it's � central area & not somewhere too extreme, makes travelling more tedious.

Went out on Fri night & realise tht actually i don't think as much as wat i thought myself 2 be. Apparently, there's someone who thinks deeper & complicate stuff so much more than me. But � good thing is, he doesn't worry abt them cauz he believes tht there's always a solution 2 each & every problem. As compared 2 me, i worry & don't really believe in having a solution 2 every problem, being � pessimistic me. Tht night was definitely an eye opener cauz we talked abt things tht i don't usually talk abt. We talked abt how we usually put on a mask whenever we go 2 work, not knowing who's real & who's fake. We talked abt things @ work as usual, abt � changes tht are being made in my company, which i absolutely dread so far. Abt � colleagues @ work. In short, you can say tht we are gossiping. Well tht's right, it's not only gals who gossip ya knw, guys do hve � privilege of doing so too.

We chatted abt meaningful & deeper stuff like how some people believe tht feelings instigate things tht thy do, while others believe tht every single thing tht you do has a reason behind it. I'm more of the "follow wat your heart tells you" kinda guy. Intuition, tht's wat you call it. But � funny thing is, tis type of topic is neverending, cauz one thing leads 2 another or shld i say one thing causes another 2 happen, so it's intertwined or linked together in a circle, with no boundaries or ends. Nevertheles, it makes me think more deep into things, which i don't knw whether it's a good thing or not.

Recently hve been introduced 2 many changes in my company which till now, i hve no idea whether it's for � good or for worst. Some people say eventually it's gonna benefit us while othrs don't. I really dunno why but those born in 1984 seems 2 be � Guinea Pig in everything. It's like changes are always done 2 my batch, irregardless of whether it's in NS, in Sch, in work etc. "Am i able 2 adapt 2 it jus as yet", i question myself. � answer:" Not really.". It's too vast, too quick for me 2 adapt, too many at one go. Why, why do these changes hafta occur? Jus hope tht Oct 2005 comes quickly, so tht i can get over wth it & fuck off. But it seems so far away.

Been feeling outta place recently, be it wth my good pals frm camp or my good pals since sec sch. I feel tht me being out of � grp is � best case scenario. Or mayb disappearing frm � surface of earth, wld help 2 lessen � burden i bring upon others. Am i too demanding or am i jus not good enough for my friends & family? I really hve no idea why i'm feeling tis way. I jus feel tht with or without me around, it really doesn't make a difference 2 anybody. In other words, i'm jus a nobody. Someone who doesn't seem 2 grab � attention of others, someone who's always walking behind quietly without anybody noticing at all, someone who doesn't really matter whether he exists in tis world or not. I'm jus a nobody.....

What happened???
Am watching American Idol right now & am pretty much disappointed wth tis 2nd grp of contestants. Think they simply cannot make it, except for mayb one of � gals jus now. Am really wondering wat happened man? � 1st grp was really not bad & now, it's really shitty all of a sudden. It's jus not impressive at all. Let's see wat comes alg....

Five For Fighting - 100 Years
Wanted 2 put Yang Bao by Faye Wong, one of my favourites out of her latest album. But something's wrong with the server, uploaded the file but there's no sound being played at all. Shall update another time, i guess, need 2 catch some sleep after a tiring day at work. Nitey...

Baby there's something abt you....
Well � music's not tht clear, nevertheless, there's music playing on my blog. Hehe. Will change � song frequently so as 2 let you peeps knw wat's my current fav. It sometimes does reflect my mood or wat i'm feeling now. As for now, it's Five For Fighting's Something About You. Till then.........

Faye
She's one of my favourite singers of all time & i finally got my chance 2 see her in real life. Didn't get her auotgraph though cauz it's either i buy another new album which allows me 2 hve � privilege of getting her autograph wth tis entry pass tht comes alg wth it, or i had 2 go early 2 queue up for it since i don't hve tht special entry pass. Didn't wanna spend money on buying another album jus 2 get her signature nor did i want 2 go down tht early 2 queue up for it, so didn't get any autographs. I'm not tht type of crazy fan who wld do anything for some idol.

Manage 2 take some photographs though, but don't think it's really very nice. Nevertheless, i'm more than jus glad tht i get 2 see her in real life. It's really a rare chance tht i get 2 see her on such occasions. It's actually her 1st time having tis autograph session in Singapore, which i felt was a once in a lifetime kinda thing. I was jus so happy tht i got 2 see her, nothing else matters. Yeah, even � autograph doesn't.

I guess most of you must be thinking wat's so special abt her, since her songs aren't as nice as before. I jus love her voice i guess, she got me mesmerised wth her "Tian1 Kong1" & "Tian1 Shi3". She's was more pop-ish last time, in � sense tht her songs are more mainstream. As 4 now, her songs are more alternative, pretty much different & less accepted by � public. Her popularity has declined ever since, tht's for sure. A little disappointed at times, esp her last few albums, but tis newest album kinda make up for it. Hopefully, in � future, she cld come up wth an impressive album, like "Chang4 You1" & "Only Love Strangers", which i pretty much liked alot. Feels like i'm on Cloud 9 now, honestly speaking. Can't wait for her concert in Singapore tis yr, will definitely go for it. I'm more than satisfied....

I have...
A vicious mouth. A mouth tht says � wrong things at � wrong time & often offend people. A mouth tht shoots off before i can even use my brains 2 think wat i'm gonna say.

I have a problem at home & i dunno how i'm gonna solve it. It seems like there's nothing much i can do or shld i say there's little as to wat i can do. It's really frustrating 2 see a nice family turn out 2 be like this. It's really sad 2 see people quarrelling or screaming at each other in front of you. It makes me feel tht i'm responsible for it.

I have friendship problems as well. Be it with my camp-mates or with my close friends, it's all becauz of me tht results in all these problems to arise. One is something menial, which shows how petty a guy i am. Another is saying the wrong things at the wrong time, & saying things which shows such a calculative & stingy person i am. I guess i'm not anybody's good friend becauz of my character. I just don't make a good friend at all. Mayb tht's why i feel lonely most of � time, cauz i'm somebody whom everyone shuns frm, whom people don't really like, jus tht i don't knw abt it.

I have a range coming up in April again due 2 my failure 2 pass it once & for all � other time. It shows how lousy i am, how incompetent a guy i am. I'm having a phobia of range right now tht i dread tht day 2 come. I really don't want 2 go through all tht misery i went through during tht day at range. I really have no idea whether i can do it all over again & pass it this time round. I jus have no confidence.

With all these things at hand, 2004 doesn't seem 2 be a great yr for me. With all these problems in � beginning of � yr, does it represent an omen? Does it signify tht everything tht i do, won't be successful at all? I really hve no idea....

Resurfaced
She wasn't feeling well, but she still bought dinner back for us. But before she cld sit down 2 hve a proper meal, she starts 2 hear somebody complaining, grumble or wat hve you. Her face was already dull & restless & now she has 2 hear all tis, which definitely adds on 2 her endless problems tht seems 2 linger on in her life. She's been keeping all these 2 herself, trying ways 2 settle all her problems. But her mind is not able 2 withstand all these pressure & finally, it explodes.

I don't remember � exact words, but it's something like tht. She screamed: "Now wat's wrong wth you? (After hearing a little of wat ? othr party has 2 say...) You don't feel like eating then don't eat alright? You always complain 2 me tht you are sick, wat else can i do? I've already brought you 2 see � doctor & now you still complain 2 me. Hve you ever thought abt me? I'm sick right now you knw & i hve 2 tolerate all of this. Do you know how difficult things are for me?" She's really frustrated. � other party(she), a little frightened, but still frowning & mumbling was abt 2 take � box of fried rice 2 eat, when she took it away & threw her own packet of duck rice 2 her. She initially didn't feel like eating anything, but after she exploded, she decided 2 eat so as not 2 make her more agitated. Due 2 her poor eyesight, she thought it was chicken rice (apparently she's like a doctor, she determines wat she can eat & wat she can't) & didn't wanna take it. She after looking at wat we are eating, decided 2 change back instd. Didn't want things 2 worsen, i wanted 2 change wth her. But she was so pissed off, tht she snatched her packet of duck rice away frm her & shouted: "(To me)Forget it, don't change wth her, if she doesn't want 2 eat, jus let her be. (To her) You don't wanna eat then don't eat. Go buy your own dinner then."

She thought it was in a moment of anger & wanted 2 take tht packet of duck rice back. But she was serious tis time & prevented her frm taking it back, shouting: "Go buy your own dinner! Go! If you don't wanna eat, it's not my problem anymore. If you wanna die, jus go ahead, it's none of my business." She was shocked tht's for sure, so was i. She went back 2 her seat & kept quiet. You cld see tht she was definitely hurt. Not knowing wat 2 do, she left � table & headed back 2 her room.

Tis time round, i really cldn't hold back my tears, headed straight 2 � kitchen & allowed it 2 run down my cheeks. My mind was thinking: Why does tis hve 2 happen again? Wat's going wrong? Wat shld i do? Not wanting 2 let her knw abt me crying, so went back 2 hve my dinner. But not before long, she left � table, saying: "Don't ever expect me 2 buy dinner back again, i tell you. Don't even expect me 2 cook dinner from now on." She headed 2 � living room instd 2 hve her dinner, though i knew, frm � looks of it, i don't think she cld really eat anything at all. One thing's for sure, she still cares abt her, although all � harsh words tht came frm her mouth doesn't seem 2 show. I hve a feeling tht her leaving � dining table was 2 give her a chance 2 come out 2 eat. Besides, another reason for me 2 say tht she still cares for her, is becauz after numerous times of her saying tht she won't buy dinner back, she still buys in � end.

She definitely did say some harsh words there, but it shows tht she cares for her, tht's why she's getting fed-up. But is tis really � right way 2 treat your mother? But if she doesn't do it tht way, wat other ways are there? Telling her silently & patiently will only allow her 2 be choosy & to grumble more. Wat abt her? Is there a way 2 help her? Is there really something wrong with her or is she jus trying 2 get our attn? Is it really true tht if Dad, Bro or me, talk 2 her nicely, she will understand better as compared 2 her telling her? I really dunno. Hve not a single idea wat 2 do...

P/S: Sorry if i'm confusing you with all the 'she' & 'her'. � ones in bold refer 2 one person & those not in bold refers 2 another.