� Commissioning Day
Took half day leave today & went for Lionel's Commissioning Parade at SAFTI MI. Initially didn't wnt 2 go cauz he wldn't be able 2 accompany us after his parade since he had dinner wth his parents. In � end got persuaded by Zongfu 2 go for it. He told me tht Lionel wld definitely wnt his frens 2 be there 2 witness such a big event of his life, which i thought was very much true. Being there today further prove tht as his frens, we shld go there 2 give him our support & tht i shldn't hve � thought of not going initially. It made me kinda feel remorseful abt having tht thought at all, which proves a fact tht i'm a failure at being somebody's good fren i guess.

Witnessing � parade made feel very proud 2 hve him as a fren, felt really happy for him indeed. They've gone thru much tougher trainings than i hve & i guess it's really a big day for them, a day tht they shld feel proud of, a day tht they've been waiting for. Witnessing � parade made me think abt how i wld feel if my frens weren't there. As i'm closer 2 my frens than my family, i think i wld feel really upset if my frens don't turn up. Imagine having 2 stand alone in � contingent, witnessing every othr of your camp mates having their parents 2 put on their insignias & their frens taking photos wth them, while you are all alone. I can nvr imagine being in tht situation, though i knw i wld nvr get a chance 2 be in tht type of situation. Regretted tht i wld hve � thought of not turning up for it at all, shld hve looked at � situation frm his pt of view.

Being there at � parade made me think abt � times where i wld be in some parades during Sec Sch days in SJAB. � most memorable one wld be participating in NDP then, felt so proud & honoured 2 be able 2 march for it. � feeling is really overwhelming, imagine marching into a stadium wth everybody cheering, clapping, making lotsa noise etc. � feeling is really indescribable, you must there 2 experience it yourself. Same applies for tis commissioning parade, jus tht i wld feel more emotional cauz your parents are helping you put on your insignia which is really an honourable thing, in my opinion. Too bad i won't get � chance 2, otherwise it wld be a memorable event in my life.

Well, to Lionel, jus wanna say tht i'm really glad tht i went & sorry for even thinking abt not going at all. Really am very proud 2 hve a fren like you, feel so happy & glad for you. Don't really knw why there's so many emotions involved though it's a simple parade, guess i really thought too much.

Continued...
Tis family problem ain't ? only problem tht i'm facing currently. Seems like i can nvr escape frm ? clutches of friendship problems as well. First it was during Sec Sch days & now it's during my NS life. I really don't knw whether it's me tht's causing all these friendship problems 2 arise or there's really a problem tht exist btwn us. After some thoughts, i actually think it's ? former. If i weren't tht sensitive, i guess tis problem wldn't hve deteriorated 2 tis state. I'm kinda blaming myself for tis problem tht exists btwn me & him. Really don't wish things 2 be like tht now, but i guess i'm ? only one tht can turn things ard.

Remember me telling you abt a friendship btwn a close camp-mate of mine tht turned sour? Well it's not getting any better apparently. I guess i lack ? initiative 2 approach him, 2 jus say a simple "Hi" 2 him. Becauz of tht, we are like total strangers 2 each other. Everytime i walked pass him, i wld really like 2 say sth 2 him, be it a simple "Hi" or ask how he has been tht kinda thing. But i jus can't bring myself 2. It's like there's tis obstacle btwn us, a wall tht's blocking us. I guess i'm ? one who imagine ? wall 2 be there, tht's why it exists. In other words, there's actually no barrier/obstacles/walls, it's actually me putting up a front for a reason tht i can't seem 2 explain.

Is tis friendship gonna end jus like tht? Won't it be such a pity? I knw i shld really take ? initiative 2 try 2 save tis friendship cauz it's really worthwhile, but it's really awkward. Imagine not speaking 2 him for such a long time, where & how shld i begin? I'm nvr a person who's so sociable & forgets abt things tht easily. I guess it's tht thought of him pushing me away tht time tht lingers in my mind, preventing me frm speaking 2 him. I really don't wnt things 2 end jus like tht. It wld be difficult for my days in NS since i'd be seeing him 24/7, 7 days a wk, 365 days a yr. I'm pretty much at a lost...

My Aunt seem 2 take a 180 degree turn in attitude today. She talked 2 me much more & sounded much better as compared 2 last night. H/e, i guess she's still troubled in ? inside, still thinking abt how 2 resolve tis problem. I really hope it stays tis way & not worsen at all. Trying as much as i can 2 be ? filial son, so as not 2 let her hve a chance 2 get mad at me as well as 2 nag at me. But it seems like laziness always gets in ? way. I need 2 some minor changes in my life!!!!

Problems...
I shld still be in � 'Chinese New Year' mood at tis point of time, but things doesn't seem 2 be going right in my life. I'm facing a problem at home, something which upsets me alot, which makes me feel hurt, which i'm not proud of. � problem actually existed ever since my Mum got married 2 my Dad, it only worsened recently. Guess you peeps already knw wat problem it is. Well tis problem is wat i call "� In Laws Conflict". It's btwn my Grandma & my Mum, sth which i don't quite understand till now, sth which happens 2 othr families (i dare say). Becauz of tis problem, my Aunt had 2 be dragged into tis scene & resulting in her being mad & upset.

It all happens when they are living under � same roof, when differences in their characters & their way of doing things leads 2 conflicts or unhappiness btwn each othr. There's not a particular someone tht cld be blamed for � presence of tis conflict, each of them did play a part in causing � conflict itself. There's really alot of things i wld like 2 say in tis entry, but i hve no idea where 2 begin. Mayb i shld jus start of wth my views of these 3 women in my family....

My Grandma is quite a troublesome person, 2 be honest. If things doesn't go her way, she'll complain abt it non-stop. She criticises at each & everything tht my Mum does, a one reason why she can't get alg wth my Mum. She's also a very stubborn person, a person whose thoughts are difficult 2 change. Tht's where her traditional thoughts come in, where it shows how inflexible she is 2 changes ard her. It's difficult 2 inject new things into her mind, she rejects them & prefers 2 do it � traditional way. Due 2 her character, there are bound 2 be clashes btwn my Mum & her. Wat my Mum can't tolerate of her is tht she's fussy & criticises at every single little thing tht my Mum does. As long as there's a deviation frm her method of doing things, my Grandma's mouth wld turn into a machine gun & complain non-stop. If i were my Mum, i don't think i wld be able 2 tolerate it as well.

My Mum is just more modern in her thoughts as compared 2 my Grandma. You can really see her trying 2 conform 2 my Grandma, trying 2 do things her way as much as she can. H/e, if my Grandma is 2 overboard wth her demands & criticisms, my Mum will get pretty upset abt it & grumble 2 us or my Dad abt it in Mandarin, some sort of like backstabbing my Grandma since she doesn't knw how 2 speak Mandarin. My Mum wld then ignore her & start saying things like "You don't knw your Grandma mehz, she's always like tht one. Everything i do doesn't seem 2 please her at all.". It's pretty sad 2 hear such things coming out of her, shows how bad � situation is.

As for my Aunt, she's like � middleman, trying her best 2 make both sides understand each othr's situation, so as 2 reduce � intensity of � conflict. � difficulty lies wth my Grandma, who sometimes refuse 2 give way or is too stubborn 2 do so. My Aunt sometimes loses her temper & shouts at her (my Grandma has hearing problems as well), which i feel is quite an unfilial thing to do. H/e after seeing how stubborn my Grandma cld get & how my Aunt still constantly shows her concern for my Grandma in little ways after shouting at her, i don't think she's unfilial at all. My Aunt has a weird temper, sth tht i must mention. I guess it's � pressure at work & � current problem she's facing at home tht's causing her 2 be in such a state. Try imagining having 3 of these people living under � same roof.

As for � problem, it all happened recently, when my Grandma became more lazy, when she started 2 dpd totally on my Mum in terms of housework. H/e, as � family needed another source of income (since only my Dad & Aunt were working after my Mum stopped working) & tht she cldn't really tolerate staying at home 2 look after my Grandma (since she has been working ever since i was young), my Mum decided 2 look for a job 2 get away frm � house as well as 2 provide income for � family. But after my Mum started working, my Grandma fell ill more often as compared 2 last time. My Grandma didn't really recover frm her illnesses even till now cauz she didn't really take � medicine she was given. She kept asking us why there are so many medicine, when in � 1st place she was � one who requested us 2 bring her 2 � doctor & it was her who told � doctor all � illnesses tht she had. I mean it's reasonable tht � doctor wld give tht amt of medicine since she told � doctor tht no. of illnesses. You can't expect 2 hve a medicine for all illnesses right? In addition 2 tis, my Grandma also expects 2 eat � medicine only once, after which one will recover fully frm it. Isn't tht ridiculous?

It's tis ridicule tht results in my Aunt shouting at her, losing her temper & losing slp cauz of her concern for my Grandma. On � othr hand, she has work related problems as well, adding more burden to herself. My Mum has already given up hope on my Grandma, washing her hands of everything, ignoring her totally. I also dunno whether � illnesses tht my Grandma has are all made up, all in � mind or whether it's becauz she has grown so reliant on my Mum during tis period tht she feels very lonely at home making her feel sick or whether her age is catching up wth her etc. All Grandma does is give a very black face 2 my Aunt everytime she's back, complaining 2 her time & again abt her illnesses. Imagine you are already so stressed out at work & you hafta face all this when you come home, won't you feel like bursting out? Tht was wat happened 2dy 2 my Aunt which frightens me, shocked me & made me realise wat's wrong wth her recently. (She hasn't been talking 2 anybody at home, looking very agitated as well as very upset abt sth.) She cldn't take it anymore, she burst out & cried during dinner time. (My Grandma complained tht her mouth was bitter & tht she didn't feel like eating anything.) She said 2 me:"Do you knw tht your Mum has been ignoring her. Wat do you think she(Grandma) feels abt it? Didn't you notice tht ever since your Mum went 2 work, she(Grandma) has been ill? Did you knw tht i even hve 2 beg your Bro, & i mean beg him 2 bring her(Grandma) to see � doctor?" These words really made me feel useless & bad abt everything. It's like i hvn't done my part as a son. All i knw is 2 eat & buy things, like a rich brat who think tht money is easy 2 come by. I didn't knw i was such a guy up till now, till tis problem made me realise how useless & unfilial a son i am.

I hve no idea wat 2 do now, really at a loss. I'm in no position 2 say anything at all or rather i don't knw wat 2 say. I don't knw wat 2 say 2 my Aunt right now, neither can i persuade my Grandma 2 stop being childish. I really dunno whether 2 be angry wth my Grandma or 2 sympathise wth her. Angry for being so stubborn, for complaining so much. Sympathise wth her cauz she always get shouted by my Aunt, whenever my Aunt loses her temper or can't stand my Grandma's attitude. I've heard of other people having family problems but i really didn't expect 2 hve one myself. I knw it mayb a small problem 2 some of you but 2 me, it's pretty big cauz i'm not tht strong. I was speechless & afraid when my Aunt bursted out during dinner. I jus continued consuming my dinner, not knwing wat 2 say. I hate people quarrelling, makes me feel responsible for it. Or am i responsible for tis problem afterall? I really hve no idea.....

P/S: Pls pardon me if i sound incoherent in tis entry or it doesn't make any sense at all, cauz i really don't knw where 2 start nor how 2 express myself at tis moment in time.
*There are some minor changes in tis entry tht i did today(270104).

Aching Legs
After walking ard town � entire afternoon, shopping for my Chinese New Year clothes & stuff, i can officially announce tht my feet are aching. We walked � entire Bugis Junction, followed by � entire stretch of shops frm Far East Plaza to Heeren. All i need now is a good rest, to rest my tired & aching feet.

Only manage 2 get 2 tops, a Quiksilver T-shirt & a shirt frm some shop called Surface @ Heerens. Can't really find any nice looking bottoms & shoes. Might not be buying any if there really aren't any nice looking ones. Dunno why is it so difficult 2 buy sth tht i like tis year for Chinese New Year. It seems like there's nothing nice, nothing tht really grabs my attention & makes me wanna own it. If i hafta mention sth in particular, it wld be shoes. There isn't even a single pair of shoes tht i like at all. Oh well, i still got another wk 2 shop for them. We'll see how it goes. Till then...

A Complete Failure
Actually i didn't wanna update 2day but since i'm downloading some Faye related stuff, why not jus do so instd of idling away. Well shall start wth my range on Wed. All i can say is tht i'm a bo-bo shooter (a person who's really hopeless at range in othr words), implying tht i didn't pass it. I was really feeling very upset abt � whole situation, esp after my Stage B results. Imagine during � trial it was still ok, but when it comes 2 � test, i jus got too nervous & my rifle began shakin & i miss all my shots. I was so affected by it tht i didn't hve � mood 2 carry on at all. I was jus sitting there frowning, staring at � ground, feeling really down. Hearing people ard me talking abt Marksmanship, needing only a few shots in Stage C to pass it etc, made me feel even worst cauz it makes me feel even more lousy. I knew tht i cldn't make it, but i really cldn't let those around me down, esp Matthew, who's been encouraging me throughout � entire range, so i tried my best during my Stage C test.

Apparently, i wasn't good enough & cldn't make it. By then i was so sad tht i almost felt like crying. To others it mayb a small thing, but to me, i take it seriously. Imagine having your S3 (an officer) comin down 2 give encouragement 2 us on both days, specifically twice on Wed, & yet you failed him. Imagine being � only person out of your unit 2 fail tis range, affecting your unit's overall performance. Imagine letting all your friends down, who believed tht you can do it, but yet you failed to. Imagine having your friend helping you out � best he can, but still you failed him & he says tht it's his fault for not being able 2 help me pass it. Tis really made me feel very bad cauz he's blaming himself for not being 2 help me, where instd i shld be blamed for not putting in my effort 2 try 2 pass tis range.

All my mind cld think of is � shame i brought upon � unit & � disappointment tht i brought 2 my friends as well. Imagine being labelled as "� only person who failed tis range & who is a Armament Technician". It's really not something tht i'm proud 2 be called of you knw? On my way home, i really felt like cryin cauz i cldn't even accomplish sth tht was easy 2 so many others. I blamed myself practically for my failure, for my incompetence. � nxt day at work was even worst, cauz i had 2 face all my fellow camp-mates as well as my seniors. Luckily, Kevin was ard 2 cheer me up wth his excellent criticisms which will nvr fail 2 make you laugh. Cheered up a little in � afternoon & i'm ok for now. I'm still feeling a little remorseful now though, still blaming myself for everything, still feeling lousy abt myself.

On a brighter note, Wee Siong told me tis afternoon tht i won't need 2 attend range anymore cauz of budget constraints. (Supposedly, every NSF has 2 attend 2 Ranges in his 2.5 yrs of svs) Initally i felt quite happy abt it since i won't be down for � nxt range, but come 2 think abt it, cld it be becauz they don't wnt me 2 bring shame 2 � unit again tht's why they allow me 2 skip � other range tht i'm suppose 2 attend? S3 will most prob be joinin us for our Healthy Life Run tmr, really dunno how 2 face him. Imagine him staring at you as if you did something really wrong. HaizZz.....

Oh forgot 2 add something. Can't seem 2 access 2 any Blogspot blogs tht i read, not even mine. Can only view my own blog when i'm in � editting page, other than tht, whenever i try 2 go 2 my blog, it'll bring me back 2 � Blogger Homepage. Really dunno wat's wrong here. Hope it's not my computer but � server's fault instd. Anybody facing � same problem?

A Failure
Yeah tht's wat i am alright. Can't even pass my range when most of � othrs in my unit are able to, how lousy can i be man? Was feeling so demoralised & sad abt it tht day tht i didn't even hve � appetite for dinner. Imagine someone saying tis 2 you:" For those who got 9 & below for � trial jus now, i think you can start taking out your rifle cleaning kits & starting cleaning your wpns." Right smack in � face. Didn't even dare 2 take it out cauz everybody wld be thinking:"Oh he's one of those who cannot make it."

I was practically stoning after tht, my mind kept thinking of how lousy i was & how pathetic i was. They didn't allowed me 2 go home hence i had 2 stay for � entire thing & look at how well my fellow camp-mates were doing. It was really a torture. 1stly it makes me think of how lousy i am, 2ndly i was really very tired since i woke up pretty early tht day & having nothing 2 do at all really makes it all worst. There's nothing i can do abt it since � Army always likes 2 make it's soldiers wait.

Sigh.....still need 2 go back tmr, which wld take another day. Luckily i was allowed 2 go home earlier 2day 2 rest, 2 prepare for tmr's range. Really really hope i'll be able 2 pass it so tht i won't hve 2 be down for � nxt range. Hopefully, wth � little coaching of Master Sivan(my section i/c), i'll be able 2 apply wat he taught me tmr. Jus hope i don't get all panicky & start 2 perspire, resulting in my specs 2 fog as well as drips of perspiration runninng down my cheeks & getting into my eyes, which wld definitely affect my shooting. HaiZzz......

A Brand New Year
Happy New Year! May � year ahead be smooth sailing for each & every one of ya & may it be filled wth joy & happiness. � best of health as well 2 all of you peeps out there!

Well, another year has passed & it sure is a memorable one, be it one wth good or bad memories. Did celebrate it wth my fellow interactors, which was pretty fun. Took lotsa photos which i'm unable 2 upload them now since my Bro borrowed my digi-cam for his trip 2 KL & Genting. Countdown 2gether wth � rest of � crowd at Esplanade, where � fireworks was pretty amazing. Manage 2 capture video clips of it, but don't think i'll be able 2 post it here. Was a pity tht not all of us were able 2 stay out � entire night, only Diana, Jiayi, Justin & i did. Nevertheless, it was a simple & enjoyable day out wth them.

2003 had many things going on for me. It was during tis year tht i got my 1st job at Rocky Masters. An experience to have definitely, since it kinda introduces you to � working life tht you'll be having in � future. Politics, � impossibility of satisfying everybody, getting 2 knw lesbians, � notion tht � customer is always right, 2 practise good manners when you are serving your customers etc, are things tht i had learnt while i was working there. It was working there tht made me realise tht actually money is hard 2 come by & i shldn't really spend it away like nobody's business. In addition 2 tht, i realise tht actually studying is way better than working. You don't need 2 go thru politics which is sth tht i really don't like but is evidently present in every job in society, at least tht's wat i think.

� release of � A Lvls results was � happiest moment tis year. Still remembered how nervous i was when i was abt 2 receive my results & how shocked i was after seeing them. I really cldn't believe tht i cld get such results, me being a pessimistic person. I jus cldn't believe it at all & teared when i was calling my Mum 2 tell her abt it. I was really overjoyed then. H/e my joy was for a short moment, since i didn't really had a chance 2 celebrate. � only thing i cld do was 2 keep it inside my heart & share tis piece of gd news wth my ownself. My family only asked whether i cld enter University, while my close frens had their own classmates 2 celebrate wth. I felt pretty lonely honestly speaking.

Enlisting into � Army was another event where it made me realise tht studying is jus sssssssooooooooo much better than anything else. It was a very depressing time of my life, esp on Sun nights where i hafta book-in. As � fastcraft starts 2 leave � ferry terminal, i wld jus stare blankly into � sea, my mind wandering away, constantly thinking abt home. � feeling of being locked up in an island faraway frm home was jus torturous. When i had nothing 2 do, i wld jus stare out of my bunk towards � sea, thinking abt my home, thinking abt � times where i was so carefree & able 2 do watever i want. Sometimes i really feel like crying out, telling my Mum how much i miss her. It was also during tis period of time tht i felt so much for my Mum, for everything she hve done for me. I still remember on Mother's Day, i called her 2 wish her tht & opened up myself 2 her, telling her how much she means 2 me, how glad i was 2 hve her & apologise for all � mistakes i've done. I cldn't control myself then & tears starting welling up in my eyes while i was telling her tis. I cld hear frm my handphone tht she felt � same way, since she told me 2 stop saying all these things, as it wld make her cry. On � bright side, independence & discipline was something tht i learnt while i was in Army. My training wasn't really tht tough as well as compared 2 my frens. I also got 2 a unit tht allows me 2 stay out, which i shld count myself lucky.

I guess these 3 events are � most memorable by far, in � year 2003. These 3 events made me realise alot of things as well as 2 treasure everything & everyone tht's around me & not take them for granted. If not for them, i guess i'll still live in my own world, spending money excessively, getting angry at my Mum jus becauz she nagged at me, cursing & swearing on why i need 2 study, etc.

Before i end tis extremely long post, i wld jus like 2 say a very big 'Thank You' 2 my Mum & Aunt, for taking care of me all these years, giving me everything tht i want & also giving me � best tht they can provide. They are definitely 2 most important women in my life, tht's for sure. W/o them, i wldn't be where i am now 2day, nor wld i be anybody at all. All � best 2 each & everyone of you once again.