Stupid?
Was watching tis show on Ch 5 & it made me realise tht i've forgotten almost everything tht i've studied throughout my entire life. It was a competition btwn � different secondary schools in Singapore or wat i wld term it, "Singapore's Brainiest School". It got me worrying for a while there, since i wld be heading 2 University after NS. Really don't know how i wld be able 2 cope wth studies during my 1st year, since i wld hve 2 cramp everything all over again into � tiny brain of mine. Jus felt tht after headin 2 NS, i've become more stupid & i can't seem 2 remember simple formulas or theories tht i've learnt before. Sign, thinking abt this jus makes me depressed & worried abt my future.

Talking abt � future, i wonder how � working society wld be like. Wld it be some sort of like � NS life tht i'm leading now or cld it be worse? But in � 1st place, wld i even get 2 find a job? It jus seems so bleak or mayb i'm jus too pessimistic abt my future. Jus dunno where i'll head 2 or wat i'll be doing, since i don't hve any goals or amibitions 2 achieve. Nevertheless, there's one thing for sure though, politics. It will never cease 2 exist in any working society, i suppose. Really dunno where this root frm, but it definitely isn't beneficial. Sign....

Sorry for � depressing thoughts there, it's jus me i suppose, ever worrying abt everything. Mayb tht's why i'm a coward, a timid asshole. Oh well, will be doing Guard Duty tmr, sianz. If you think tht i've become numb 2 doing it, you are totally wrong, i still hate it as much as before. Hope time passes by quickly, so tht i can get it over & done wth it.

Have you ever...
thought abt wat will happen when you die? I hve been thinking all these while abt it but it's really beyond my imagination. Was watching � 7pm TV Serial on Ch 8, where � mum's soul still lingers on earth, which got me thinking abt life after death. I knw i shldn't be thinking abt tis, but sometimes i can't help but wonder abt it. Frm � looks of it, it seems like i do think too far. Nevertheless, i really ponder whether i'll still linger on earth in this invisible form, still being able 2 think, talk, walk ard or shld i say float ard etc. What will happen after my death? Will � world be really tht cyber as wat most futuristic films tend 2 suggest? Will Mars be � alternative place 2 live in? � questions are neverending, but being a curious human, it's natural for me 2 seek for answers. Sometimes you hafta admit tht imaginations do go a little wild but it allows you 2 put your mind off certain things.

Talking abt donations, was watching � NKF Charity Show on Ch 8 & i wondered, are � artistes faking their stunts? I mean let's not talk abt those very obvious, truthful stunts, like Fann Wong, Christopher Lee, Qi Yuwu etc. But for example Zoe Tay's stunt, it's really very fake. In addition 2 tht, they are actors/actresses, so they can really act as if their in pain or it's really very strenuous tht kind of thing. It's something tht i do doubt abt, everytime i watch � show.

One thing tht is real is � pain tht � kidney patients go through. Looking at their arms, i can't help but sympathise wth them. I really can't imagine myself having those needles injected into my skin for 3-4 times a week. My eyes start 2 tear everytime i watch those short clips abt kidney patients. It's really touching & in some ways, it makes me feel alot for them. Honestly speaking, i did try 2 avoid watching those clips, cauz i feel it's not really good 2 be watching � excruciating pain, � struggles, � sadness, each kidney patient has 2 go through. On � other hand, if they don't show it on TV, we'll nvr knw how much they hafta go through. Something i learnt frm tis show, is tht how fortunate i am 2 be healthy, 2 be able 2 hve food & clothes, 2 be able 2 hve family members & friends who care for me & many many more. I shldn't be taking all these for granted cauz it's something tht i'm lucky 2 be able 2 hve as compared 2 many out there. It makes me feel bad abt me being choosy on food, throwing away leftovers unnecessarily, going for branded stuffs most of � time, spending money w/o a thought at times, etc. It really makes me feel bad. I guess it's time for me 2 do something abt it.

On a side note, received � Faye Wong's Concert tics frm my Aunt jus now, am really very excited abt it. I know i've said tis many times, but it's really a rare opportunity. Jus can't wait for tht day 2 arrive, jus can't wait....

Exhausted
An extremely busy day at work, my 1st ever since i entered into RNI. There's really tonnes of paperwork 2 be done everytime a unit sends it's wpns 2 us or collects wpns frm us. It's like you hve 2 stamp this & tht, & ensure tht each & every single sheet of paper is properly signed tht kinda thing. I'm so experienced in stamping now, tht if i ever hafta look for part time jobs, i wld head 2 � Woodlands or Tuas Checkpoint 2 stamp passports. Honestly speaking, i think it's not worth 2 cut down tht many trees for this. Luckily, this system will be revamped & mostly likely, it will be paperless, implying everything will be computerised.

Nevertheless, it's a good experience in learning how 2 handle your customers when they come altogether at one time. Think i will need this kinda experience since i predict there might be a possibility tht there will be a day when i'll be all alone in RNI, wth no-one 2 help me. I guess tht day will come sooner or later, so might as well jus try 2 handle everything by myself 2 get myself prepared for � worst case scenario. It's all part of being independent, as wat i call it.

Besides being physically & mentally exhausted after a day's work, i'm emotionally drained as well. I really dunno wat's wrong at all but i felt tht i didn't deserve tht type of attitude. It's happens very frequently & i'm really tired of it. It makes me feel tht i'm always in � wrong though i felt tht i didn't commit any mistake at all. I mean if you hve anything tht you are unhappy abt, jus tell me straight in � face, don't need 2 give me tht type of attitude ya know? I mean as friends, we shld be honest wth each other & not try 2 act as if there's nothing wrong, but giving me tht type of attitude.

Mayb i've really done something wrong, but i didn't realise it & need 2 be enlightened. You can't expect me 2 knw wat's wrong all � time you know? I'm not a fortune teller or someone who's able 2 read ya mind all � time, tht's something you hafta know. This is not � 1st time & honestly, it seems like i'm always in � wrong for no reason, never you. I really feel drained. I jus feel like washing my hands of this, don't wanna bother abt it at all & if you want it tht way, fine wth me. I'm voicing out now cauz i really can't take it & i need 2 make my point here, otherwise you will take it for granted tht i'm always willing 2 give in 2 you.

I'm pissed, tht's definite cause i dunno wat's wrong with you & i don't deserve tht type of attitude from you for no reason. I did try 2 strike up a conversation, but your attitude jus turns me off. It's not � 1st time, it's a hell lot of times, so don't expect me 2 take � initiative again, cause i won't. Can't be bothered 2 think abt it right now cause i'm really tired, need 2 get some slp for tmr's CO Parade & Captain's Ball match.

Let Go
I've realised tht i gotta let go at times & not cling onto something 2 tightly. If i were 2 strangle it & never let go, it won't be able 2 catch it's breath & will eventually die. It's not easy 2 let go, for a person like me. It means many things & � emotions involved here can be pretty hurting & difficult 2 handle. But i rather it continue 2 live than die off on me, so i've decided 2 let go.

Which also means 2 stop trying too hard. Jus be natural & let nature takes it's own course. If it's meant 2 be, then it is. Sometimes, it's really jus not meant 2 be, you hafta accept tht. Tht's wat i'm trying 2 do, 2 accept � fact. I've tried changing it but doesn't seem 2 be working, so jus accept it & move on.

� Heat is on
I've been feeling very hot ever since � sun tanning session tht i had on Sat. � hot weather recently doesn't seem 2 be in favour as well. I guess it's � period of "you will perspire even if you sit down & not move at all". Being a person who perspires easily doesn't help too. I've been feeling � heat & it's really unbearable. With my already heaty body after � tanning session, � hot weather now is really draining energy frm me, making me feel tired & unwell each day. However, i still wanna go for a tan though, feel tht i'm not tanned enough. Planning 2 do so every Sat after work, tht is if i'm hardworking enough.

Realise tht giving a title 2 each blog entry is pretty tedious. Hafta think for quite some time before settling wth one. Pardon me if � titles are constantly repeated or aren't really appropriate, my range of vocabulary is very limited. Till then...

All's Well again
I'm glad i took � initiative, otherwise things wldn't be back 2 normal. At least it's normal for � time being, wonder how long it'll be like this though. I guess when you are in � wrong, you jus hafta be brave, admit your mistake & apologise. Afterall, you are in � wrong, so can't expect � other party 2 approach you & tell ya it's ok right? I felt i hvn't apologised sincerely & hve a good chat wth him though, will do tht when i hve � chance. Jus hope tht after this experience, it will strengthen our friendship.

I've come 2 accept � fact tht i shldn't regret my decisions. Regretting them only makes you feel terrible as compared 2 making � best out of tht decision. I'm trying 2 make � best out of it & be flexible in terms of adaptibility. It's a must 2 be flexible in � working world, so why not learn now? Trying 2 be less cowardly but more brave in terms of doing things as well. Shldn't be afraid of doing this & tht & worry 2 much. Jus do wat i think is right & appropriate & learn frm any mistakes tht comes along wth it. Best thing is 2 make � right decision in � beginning. Tht's wat i'm doing now, be brave in � things tht i'll be doing, learn 2 adapt & face � changes tht are ahead of me instd of worrying for it & 2 make careful decisions.

On a lighter note, can't wait for 2 June though. It's � day where my idol, Faye Wong, wld be holding her concert in Singapore, after 5 years. Bought � tickets already & really can't wait for tht day 2 come. So exciting!!! Luckily i manage 2 get hold of a Citibank Card holder tht allows me 2 buy � tickets earlier as well as at a discounted price. Otherwise i don't think i'd be able 2 get a good seat by � time they release � tickets for sale 2 � rest. All thanks 2 my Aunt. Wonder wat type of costumes she'd be wearing & wat songs she'll be singing etc. Jus don't knw wat 2 expect for now, it's jus so exciting!!! Really really can't wait for tht day 2 come.

Regrets
I regret heading in 2 R & I, i really do. I don't feel a sense of belongingness there, instd i feel like i'm a useless freak. For � past 2 wks, i've been heading out 2 � workshop instd of stayin in � office. Jus can't stay in � office for a long time. There's nothing 2 do & nobody whom i can really talk 2, unlike my previous section. Unless there's work 2 be done in there, i've decided 2 head out more often 2 � workshop. I jus feel more comfortable there as compared 2 � office. I jus can't fit in.

Besides � "fitting-in" thingy tht's making me regret, � upcoming changes kinda made me think tht way too. I feel like i've made � wrong move or shld i say an uncertain move. Uncertain such tht i dunno wat my future in there wld be like & how well i wld be able 2 cope. I'm not confident at all in taking over frm Jiahao, cause i feel tht i hvn't fully learnt everything in there. If tht's not worst, he'll be clearing his leave pretty soon. Who can i turn 2 then when i'm lost? There's HP but i cld hve learnt it when he was ard instd of asking only now right?

I really dunno but i'm jus confused. I knw i shld take things one step at a time but my future jus seems so bleak right now. I'm a coward, tht's why i feel tht way. I'm afraid of doing things all by myself, all alone, wth nobody 2 assist or stand by me. It's this feeling tht's makin me feel so unsure abt everything.

I'm regretting wat i did recently. I'm feeling � after-effects of it now. Everyday i go 2 camp carrying a heavily-burdened heart. But amidst tht, i still hafta put on a smile in front of my camp-mates so as not 2 affect their moods. I'm putting up a front 2 make me not regret my decision, 2 try 2 make them feel i'm better off w/o them. H/e, deep in my heart i knw i'm not. Whenever i face them, i try 2 be happier than them 2 make them think tht i'm a different person altogether & tht i'm not who i was before. And mayb because of tht, they will think tht i'm not worthy 2 be their friend. But � truth is, i'm jus putting on a mask. I'm jus trying 2 avoid them cause i've brought enough pain & hurt 2 them. I really don't wanna drag them further though how much i wish things wld be like � old times.

Is this � result of wat i've done? If it is, i'm regretting it now. I've been thinking, if i hadn't appear in their lives, cld they be leading a better life now? Though i wish things wld be back 2 normal, I still can't put down my pride & i can't bring myself 2 speak 2 them. I'm too stucked up i suppose. Sometimes, i really wanna heck care everything & take � initiative 2 speak 2 them, but i really can't do it. I don't expect them 2 forgive me cause wat i've done is beyond forgiveness. I knw i'm in � wrong, but i don't want 2 do anything abt it. Where's � sense in tht?

I'm sorry, i really am. But you do hafta understd why i'm doing this. I feel like i'm a burden 2 you guys, tht's why. I'm a person who expects people 2 reciprocate � same amt of care & concern i've given. When i don't get tht, i'm upset abt it. I can't help but feel this way. Like someone who wants 2 be � best in everything, i wanna feel tht way too in certain aspects of my life. And if i don't get tht, i'll be very disappointed. It's a mindset i'm trying 2 change but i can't. So when i don't get 2 tht stage, i back out. Don't wanna cause you guys more hurt or sink deeper into something which doesn't seem 2 hve an end. It'll only hurt me more.

I knw wat i'm doing now isn't right & you guys aren't 2 be blamed at all cause you hvn't done me wrong, but can you accept someone like me as a friend? Are you willing 2 carry this burden on you tht may bring you ups & downs so ever frequently tht you may jus explode at any instant & give it all up? Am i worth your attention, your trust, your care & concern? Am i deserving 2 be in this group of pals?

I hve been frowning ever since this thing happened. Even my Aunt has been asking me why i'm always sulking. I dunno how 2 answer her nor do i wanna tell her abt my probs. I don't usually do & i doubt she'll understd. Everyday after work, i leave camp wth a heart tht's hurt, heavily wounded or wat hve you. I face you guys wth an ignorant look but deep in my heart i care so much tht i wanna jus cry in front of you jus 2 let you knw how much i treasure � bonds we share. But i can't bring myself 2 do it cause time & again you'll suffer. I'm not sure whether you are ready 2 take up this challenge or not.

I knw you guys feel hurt too, wth those hints tht you drop whenever you guys speak. It's like darts frm your mouths, aiming at my heart, damaging it. My heart is so fragile tht it's really gonna crumble at any moment. I dunno how 2 face you guys, tht's why i chose 2 runaway. I deeply regret....