.棋子.

我像是一颗棋    进退任由你决定
我不是你眼中唯一将领    只是不起眼的小兵

我像是一颗棋子    来去全不由自己
举手不回你从不曾犹豫    我却受控在你手里

Like what this song suggests, i feel like a pawn, my movements are being determined by the Master. I fit into other people's schedules, never the other way round. People around me are superiors, well i'm jus the nobody. With or without me, it doesn't make a difference. I'm just a small role in the chess set, sacrificing me is for the victory that is to be won. My feelings are never of anybody's concern, they just think of me as an emotional dirtbag.

Is it wrong to be a person who's full of emotions? Is it wrong to be right at times? Is it wrong to blame on somebody but eventually turn the blame on yourself, when you seriously think that you aren't at fault? Is it wrong to even think too much? Is it wrong to be paranoid?

.Beware.
Don't ever try to get too close to me, you'll suffer. I'm tired of seeing people around me being tormented, i'm tired of being the wolf hidden under the lamb's skin. Heed my warning & you'll lead a much carefree life.

.� Break.
Days away from camp, something that i've awaited for quite sometime, something that is much needed, something that i wish had lasted longer. Yes, humans are greedy, they always tend to want more than wat they have. Me included. � dread of going back to camp is getting heavier, as time ticks away, it gets closer & closer. Well shan't grumble much, jus hafta get myself back into � working mode & everything will be back to it's usual state again, before � next break arrives.

� break was quite a fulfilling one, as in i didn't waste it away staying at home & doing nothing. But there's something amiss in tis break, i felt. Though i did hang out with my group of good pals, we didn't do it together. As in we didn't meet up as a group but separately. That was wat i felt was lacking. Last time, when there were festive seasons, we will definitely go out together, as a group. But nowadays, things seem to be different. We don't meet up that often & everyone seems to be busy with their own stuff. I couldn't get used to it initially, but now i guess i'm made to get used to it.

� reason: We are entering a different phase of life, which entails meeting different people, experiencing new things, change of habits & viewpoints, doing things that are different from � past, etc. It's all part & parcel of growing up i presume. I personally know that � bond still exists & that is wat that matters, but how much truth exist in phrases that talk abt � importance of keeping each other at heart, without � need to meet up so frequently? I somehow have doubts myself, seriously speaking. On � other hand, it's a mutual thing, so it's � effort in keeping in contact that counts as well. For tis, i'm quite a failure due to my lack of initiative. There's a reason behind my lack of it, but it's my own belief so i shan't elaborate further. Ok, i'm digressing.

Going back to � main topic, i dunno whether i'm � only one feeling like this, or mayb i'm jus too traditional if you wanna put it that way. Don't worry, it's not as serious as i sound here. I've learnt to accept things as it comes along � way. Though i may not understand why it must be tis way, i'll figure my way out. No matter how much i wish things would be � same, it'll eventually change, it's jus a matter of time. I may not be like my friends who never lack of activities to fill their calenders, or friends who have their other halves to accompany them all � time, or even friends who can jus be alone at home for most of their weekends, but i'll survive i think. A spare tyre is one where people seldom use, unless there's a need for it. So mayb i'm jus waiting for be used, that's all.

.Sacrifice.
Weixiong once asked me whether it was worth doing all tis for someone. "Do you think he'll appreciate it?", that was wat he asked me. I thought abt it for awhile, without giving an answer. Really didn't know wat made me stumble there. All i could think of was, "You mean you think of him that way?". Didn't really know whether he meant wat he asked me or he was jus joking around.

Today, i showed � petty side of me again. Yes i'm petty, but not as extreme as before. That's because i realised, actually it's not worth for me to be angry abt it, since it's like a minor thing. Previously, i would have thought of it as something sensitive & hurting, but since most of my pals don't think so, i think i should jus follow � trend. Oh, if you didn't know, i'm so sensitive that sometimes i tend to blow things up. I admit to it, but that's me. H/e, i guess there's no need for me to be like that anymore.

That's why i don't make a good friend. I'm never � best, jus a spare tyre when people can't seem to find anyone. That's how i feel honestly, but there's always a reason behind it, which i think has something to do with my character. As i've said, i'm not as extreme as before, so i may jus throw my tantrums for awhile & after that, it will be gone, i hope. I'm trying to become more non-chalant abt such things, to prevent myself suffering from hurt & pain, as well as not to think too much. Will that make me an insensitive person? I doubt so, since i will still harp on such things in my heart, but will not be shown on � outside.

Now, thinking back abt his question, i guess it's worth it. I've learnt to make sacrifices for people whom i think makes it worthwhile, without expecting anything in return. It kinda hurts when people don't seem to appreciate it but jus be glad that you've done a good deed. � things you do may seem to be insignificant to others, but as long as you think that you've made that sacrifice & it's worthwhile, it's all that matters. Be thankful if people made sacrifices for you, cause it shows that you are dear to them. Jus a simple thank you can really mean alot to � person whom made that sacrifice.

.Shallow & Superficial.
I feel like a himbo, jus that i'm not good looking. My knowledge is shallow & all i know is looks, my own that is. I'm not like those people who can jus pretend that nothing ever happened, when in fact all is shown on � outer appearance. What i meant was, they can be themselves, ignoring wat others say abt them, but for me, i can never be myself, i always yearn to be someone else. I'm constantly conscious of what becomes of me & how others view me. Ain't that superficial enough?

I keep asking myself why am i like that & why do i have to be like that? Everytime i look at myself, i feel demoralised. Everytime i walk on � streets, i don't lift my head up high, instd i look down on � floor. Everytime i feel good, something bad comes along to spoil it all & it happens constantly, which makes it all � more difficult to regain � pride in myself. Friends may not care abt tis, but their constant blabberings sometimes do affect me abit, unintentionally i presume.

I also realise that i'm not specifically good in a certain something, which i feel makes me a normal person. Not saying that i wanna be different but sometimes i jus wanna stand out, you know be unique in some ways? It's my sense of competitiveness stirring up in me. I really love praises but do i really deserve them? If i do get praises after writing tis, ain't that jus sentences to please me?

I'm incoherent, yes i know. I'm jus blabbering, i guess. It's jus once in a long time & it's really nice to jus blurt out things. Pardon me if you are confused here, cauz i'm quite confused too.

.I don't know how i feel.
No, i haven't disappeared, nor have i decided to stop blogging like some of those ard me. So those frequent readers of mine, if there are any, be relieved. I'm not tired of blogging yet, but don't expect me to update frequently. I'll only do so when there's a need to.

I really like tis song that's playing. It's by Avril Lavigne from her previous album & it's called Tomorrow. It kinda represents wat i'm feeling right now, or should i say, everyday. My brain ain't producing enough juices for me to pen down an entry that really spells out wat i wanna say. Blogging seems to be getting tougher each day, spending minutes or even hours thinking how to go abt writing wat i feel. My feelings are all tangled up i suppose & i'm trying real hard to undo them. Enjoy � song, till then...

.Tomorrow.
And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok
Ya I try to believe you,
But I don't

When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just don't

Gimme a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, and I know I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow

Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, and I know I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah, hey yeah yeah, maybe tomorrow

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Yeah I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

Tomorrow it may change

.Tempting.

Nokia 7610

Yeah, Vijay jus bought tis phone which kinda makes me wanna own one of it too.(I personally prefer � white one though.) But � prob is my phone ain't dying on me & it's only a year old or so. Sigh, guess i'll hafta wait a little longer then. Besides i'm in NS, which supposedly means that no camera phones are allowed in camp. So there's another reason for me not to buy one now. Hopefully � price will drop & make it more affordable for me. Or perhaps a nicer model will come out by � time i'm allowed to get a new one. We'll see...

Quite satisfied with my driving today. Think i did not too bad, but there's still room for imrpovement. H/e, still don't think i'll be able to pass it on my 1st try though. Can imagine me being so nervous that day, that i practically forget abt everything. As usual, i'm thinking to far ahead. One step at a time boy, one step at a time....