Fitting In
It's only � 2nd day at R & I but i still don't feel tht i fit into � section. I still feel like a stranger intruding other peep's territory. I guess it's becauz i'm � only new one in there, as compared 2 when i jus got into my previous section, where i had a few othr peeps tht were new 2 � section as well. So it wasn't as lonely as now, i suppose.

Another thing i felt is tht there is someone who's a better candidate 2 be in my position right now. He's like so sociable, communicates easily wth everybody in there & he feels so comfortable being there. I seriously think he's a better person as compared 2 me. He fits into � picture better than i do. Besides, i bet he's able 2 do a better job than me. I'm not jealous, instd, i'm envious of him. I hve a feeling tht actually i'm � alternative choice rather than � main one, for � position i'm holding now in this new section. If � section I/C of his section allowed him 2 join R & I, i guess Jiahao wldn't hve approached me at all.

Hopefully it's � "joining-a-new-section" blues i'm experiencing now. If not, i guess i'm jus not good enough for tis position. Nevertheless, i'll try my best 2 learn & give my best in tis new section tht i'm in. Don't wanna let them down in any way.

Having mixed feelings abt � whole situation tht i'm in now. I'm glad in certain ways, but also upset in many others. Having a bad premonition abt � future, in terms of friendships. Seems like i can nvr escape � clutches of tis term for my entire life.

A Brand New Start
Today was officially my 1st day in R & I. Hafta say tht i feel a lil outta place � entire day, but generally � peeps there were fun & really nice. Learnt quite a few things frm Jiahao, my upperstudy. He was kinda sick, but he still insisted on teaching me a few stuff & doing certain things by himself, instd of asking me 2 do all of them. Thanks dude, really appreciate it. Hope you recover soon! It's my 1st day there, so can't say much abt � difference, in terms of my relationships wth my new colleagues. For tht, i'll leave it till a later tht.

� main difference, in terms of work, is tht i don't get dirty, since i'm doing paperwork. I don't perspire on a hot day, since i'm in an air-conditioned office. I don't need 2 try 2 find things 2 do when there's really nothing 2 do, since � office is kinda faraway frm � officers' offices. Generally, it's more slack if i hafta say, but tht does not mean tht my previous section wasn't slack. � bad thing is tht there are tonnes of paperwork 2 be done & i'll be using � computer every now & then. This is pretty bad, at least tht's wat i think, since i'll be more "nua" (pronounced in Hokkien) than b4. Jus hope i don't be a couch potato or anything like tht. I hve a feeling tht time will pass by slowly after i learnt everything tht i hafta learn, or mayb not. It depends i suppose. Well we'll see abt tht in � future.

He msg me this evening, something abt fate. I didn't knw wat 2 reply nor whether i shld reply. I really wanted 2, but dunno wat 2 msg him. On � othr hand, thinking abt � decision tht i've made, i didn't want 2. I'm kinda lost right now.

Ridiculous
I jus realise tht wat i demand for in a friendship is pretty ridiculous, come 2 think abt it. It's like � slightest thing or action can make me think abt a whole lot of things, -ve things if i hafta say. Recently, � bonds btwn my clique of close pals in camp, seem 2 be unstable & are abt 2 be broken. If there's really one person 2 be blamed, it wld hafta be me. Sometimes my mood swings really do make my friends ard me helpless & tired of me. I guess i've done enough damage & hurt them more than wat they've done 2 me. Actually, i don't think they did anything 2 hurt me. It's jus my sensitive side tht's hurting myself.

I've decided 2 withdraw frm this friendship i'm having wth this once close pal. I feel tht i've given him enough trouble & attitude wth my constant mood swings thrown at him. Don't wanna cause more damage than it has already done. Another reason wld be his new found friend. Jus can't see them together cauz he's totally a different person when they are together. I really wonder why. Can see tht actually there's no way 2 savage this friendship cauz he's not doing anything abt it. I guess he's already given up earlier than me. I understand his position cauz nobody wld wanna be treated at one time coldly, but � nxt time, good pals 2gether. I guess he's tired. I don't blame him, really. Instd, i wanna apologise 2 him. Sorry abt everything, jus hope you lead a happier & joyous life ahead.

This may sound a little gay-ish, but it jus shows how much i treasure my friendships wth my close pals. However, i think i treasure my friendships too much tht i'm actually scaring & agitating my friends. I'm causing more hurt than bringing happiness 2 their lives. Today already proved 2 me tht i'm really trying too hard 2 be someone i'm not or will never be. I've come 2 accept tht i can't hold onto a friendship so dearly cauz it may strangle tht friend instd, it may hve more -ve effects rather than +ve ones.

Being sensitive sometimes is not really a good thing. You think too much & makes your head explode now & then. Sometimes, you feel sad more than you feel happy, esp if you are a pessimistic & a no self-confidence person. You wld think abt alot of things & most of � time it wld be -ve. I ask myself at times, "Why am i so sensitive?", something which i've yet 2 find an answer 2 or will nvr be able 2.

Jus read one of my friend's blog & really dunno wat 2 say abt � stuff he mentioned. I'm definitely not avoiding him & there's really nothing wrong at all. Mayb it's jus these troubled thoughts in my mind tht i hvn't been myself lately. I don't speak at times, cauz i'm thinking abt something. I don't tell you things, it's becauz it's something i wanna keep 2 myself. I don't msg you on ICQ or watever, it's becauz i don't usually do tht as most of my friends knw. I lack initiative if i hafta say. I've been feeling listless lately, so mayb i don't show � care & concern you've been yearning for. But tht doesn't mean tht in my heart, i don't care at all as a friend. Somethings are not shown on � surface, some are jus hidden away frm you tht you don't realise it. I fully understd your point so jus hope you understd mine.

R & I
It's a new beginning for me, heading 2 R & I tmr. It's something tht i've decided on after giving much thought. But there's still a possibility tht i mayb pulled up 2 be my CO's (Commanding Officer) Personal Assistant (in short, COPA). I've given up on worrying or thinking abt whether it's good 2 go up or not. Jus leave it 2 fate i guess, cauz i'm sick of thinking & worrying abt it. Don't wanna be paranoid over such stuff. If it's meant 2 be, it'll be, but if it's not, it won't. Simple as tht.

Heading 2 R & I means adapting 2 a new working environment & working wth new people again. Wonder wat's like being there & whether i'm able 2 work wth � people there. I'm quite excited but worried as well, as i usually am whenever there are new things happening in my life. Cauz i really dunno wat 2 expect & whether i'm up 2 it as well. Jus alot of doubts i guess, whether it's a good thing 2 be there, whether it's � right choice etc. Sometimes, when you are so used 2 being where you are now, you jus don't feel like changing anything at all. Tht's � feeling you see. But people do hafta move on, i realise, you jus can't stay in one spot forever.

I'll definitely miss � times where i wld work wth my section mates, repairing wpns together & chit chatting at times. It's these bonds btwn my section mates tht i'll miss � most if i hafta say. I knw it's not like i won't be seeing them again but still it's something close 2 my heart. Hopefully, i'll still be able 2 hang around the section when i hve ? time, 2 maintain � bonds tht i had build wth them. Surely don't wanna feel like a total stranger, when i hang around wth them during my free time, after only like a few wks in R & I.

There's one thing i worry abt though, it's whether they'll still work when i'm not ard. I'm not boasting abt myself, but it's jus tht sometimes i'm � one tht starts � ball rolling, in terms of repairing wpns, heading out 2 receive wpns for component or take-in repairs etc. If i don't start, most of � time they'll jus sit ard, not doing anything at all. Surely don't wanna see tht happen, cauz i'll feel guilty abt it, it's like i've caused it 2 happen. Once again i emphasize though, i'm not trying 2 show off here. But even if it does happen, it's beyond my control. Like wat my fren said, � section will still function w/o you cauz work still has 2 be done. This i totally agree. Guess i'm jus contradicting myself. Mayb it's sth else tht i worry abt but am not able 2 put it into words for now. Guess i'll hafta wait & see if anything goes wrong in � section w/o me. Till then..........

Why work so hard?
Tht's � question tht i hve been asking myself recently. I really dunno why but can't help feeling tht there's no point for me working so hard in � workshop. I'm not trying 2 show how hardworking i am, nor am i trying 2 get into � good books of my seniors, it's jus my character 2 work on sth so tht time will pass by more easily. I mean honestly, don't you think tht time seem 2 pass by more slowly when you've got nothing 2 do at all? For me, i wld rather look for sth 2 do then 2 idle around in � workshop, waiting for any seniors 2 arrow me wth odd jobs or wat i call "Sai Gang". I knw tht by being tis way, people may not like me, cauz i'm too "Garang" or spoiling � market, which means 2 do sth extra resulting in � rest having 2 do � same thing as you are doing when instd they cld hve sat down & did nothing at all. But if there's sth 2 do, why not complete it so tht you will work till you forget abt � time, instd of jus sitting there idling, waiting for � time 2 pass by. I admit tht if there's really nothing 2 do, we can jus sit down, chit chat & stuff. But � problem nowadays, nobody wants 2 take � initiative 2 start doing anything.

Tht's wat my section has become of. It's more segregated & disorganised. I'm really disappointed & upset abt it, cauz � section was once a united & lively one. But it seems like it has already fallen apart. I tried pulling everyone together again, but my efforts are futile. I'm tired & worn out of doing everything tht i can. I jus feel tht nobody appreciates my hardwork & there's simply no reason for me 2 work tht hard. Mayb i shld jus wash my hands of certain things if i can, & not work so hard. Mayb i shld jus save my breath & not talk 2 much, jus in case wat i say is something vicious & hurting again. Mayb i shld jus head up 2 become � personal assistant of my commanding officer, since everyone must be hating me for being so "garang", thinking how stupid a person i am for working so hard in � army & having such mood swings & weird attitudes.

Why do i work so hard? Wat am i trying 2 achieve? Is there a need 2 work so hard in � army where nobody appreciates your effort at all? Why work so hard when nobody is even working at all? Why always be � one who goes out 2 � counter 2 receive wpns for repair or be � 1st 2 do area cleaning, when � rest of your section mates are sitting in � workshop doing almost nothing? Are you trying 2 get your section mates into trouble cauz it shows tht you are doing everything & they aren't? Are you trying 2 gain power in � section so tht you can order people around? I question myself. Can't help thinking abt wat others think abt me too, cauz i really wanna knw, esp for frens tht are close 2 me.

I feel like a loner recently in � workshop. Jus when i thought it's difficult 2 hve close friendships wth camp mates, everything jus seems 2 be going wrong. I think it's really me, being too sensitive & overthinking abt � whole situation. I really dunno why i'm feeling this way. Mayb wat Gavin said is right, tht i'm wasting my time pondering over so many things, thinking abt how others feel & think abt me, when life is short. Why can't i be someone who's a little bit more insensitive, not bothering abt how others feel & not creating problems frm time 2 time? Why can't i jus walk out of camp w/o having 2 think abt how's my future gonna be like in army & how long my friendship's gonna last wth � camp mates tht i'm close 2 now?

Mayb i'm not getting � attention tht i desire. I'm a person who seeks � attention & care & concern of others, tht's definite. Tht's why i envy those tht can sit alone for a little while, before having his frens come over 2 chat & be wth him. It shows tht he doesn't need 2 look for company & is someone whom everybody likes. I'm more of those tht don't take � initiative 2 get into a grp so as not 2 feel left out. Mayb tht's why i feel like a loner. But if i don't do tht, how am i gonna get rid of tht feeling? Wat's so difficult abt taking � initiative 2 get into a grp? It's � same abt trying 2 be someone else & being yourself. Take me for example, � case of being sensitive. If i were 2 be someone else, i might not think 2 much & hve problems popping up of nowhere. But i'm not myself, i argue. Why not jus be myself? But being yourself means you'll hve endless thoughts & problems. It's so contradicting tht i'm at a lost myself. But am i demanding too much by seeking tht desire attention?

There's something tht i realise though, some things are jus not meant 2 be. So no matter how much effort you put in, nothing will come out of it in � end. Take for example a friendship, if you are gonna be good frens wth him, you are gonna be. Why try so hard 2 be someone else's good fren, when you knw tht you are not? To this fren of mine, i guess i'm trying 2 hard. Now i realise tht actually i can nvr be your good fren, at least tht's wat i think. I guess you hve found someone else, frm � looks of it. I'm a little upset & disappointed, but it's your character & i've come 2 accept tht. Guess i don't bring as much joy as your new found fren does. I congratulate you on being able 2 be so close 2 him in such a short period of time & i envy tht. Now i shall not repeat my mistake of trying 2 be someone's good fren, i shall jus be natural abt it. Sometimes i really wanna be someone's good fren, but now i knw i never was & can never be if i hve this type of attitude. I ponder whether i'm fit 2 be anybody's good fren.....All i can say is tht I'm trying too hard........

Confused
There are many things tht are going on in my life which I hve not put down into words, into this neglected blog of mine. It�s either I don�t hve the mood 2 or I�m too lazy 2 do it, as usual. But if hafta give a reason this time round, it wld be � former.

I dunno where 2 start frm but I still hafta say sth 2 begin with. Well, currently I�m being pulled in many directions, wth regards 2 my future NS life. Imagine all my limbs are being pulled in four different directions, w/o anyone willing 2 let go of me. Don�t get me wrong abt me showing off here, cauz I don�t hve � mood 2, neither am I of such a person. It�s jus tht there are many places which I can choose 2 go 2, but I�m confused as 2 which one I shld choose.

One is some sort of like a prestigious appointment, where not everybody can become of. It�s like a secretary of a boss, a personal assistant. It�s a position tht deals wth high ranking officers, sth which I definitely am not up to. � benefits are tht you don�t hafta perform guard duties, COS/CDO duties, ability 2 come 2 camp later than most people & sometimes leaving early or not. � bad thing is, you�ll hafta adapt 2 a new environment all over again & kinda separated frm campmates tht I�m close 2. It�s like you won�t be spending as much time wth your campmates, if I were 2 take up tht position. I wld spend more time in � office instd & mayb only during lunch time wld I be able 2 join them. Tht�s one thing I�m afraid of, afraid tht � bonds tht I�ve made wth my campmates wld be broken. Yeah I knw, I don�t hve 2 be wth them 24/7 in order for things 2 remain as they are, but it�s gonna be different in some ways or another. I�m gonna lose contact wth wat�s happening in � grp.

Another place tht I can go 2, is somewhere within � workshop still, but instd of repairing wpns, I�d be dealing wth paper work. It�s like a Sony customer svs centre, where � front desk processes � data of your damaged discman before passing it 2 � technicians 2 repair. � place I�m referring 2 is sth like � front desk, where you deal wth customers & process � datas. You�d be in a air-conditioned environment, away frm � grease & carbon tht I normally come in touch wth. � good thing: No need 2 worry abt wat I�m gonna do when there�s no wpns 2 repair, like my current situation. Able 2 get out of camp for factory trips, which sometimes take an entire day. It�s a form of escape frm � changes tht are taking place in � workshop, in � sense tht these changes do not affect me directly if I�m gonna head in there. In addition, I won�t be separated frm my campmates, as compared 2 if I were 2 head up 2 be � personal assistant. � bad thing: There�s tonnes of paper work 2 be done, as I�ve heard. I might slack even more & become a couch potato cauz afterall, sitting in an office doing paper work is not sth tht I wanna do.

� last place wld be 2 remain in � section tht I�m in now, but 2 head into � office & replace � current section clerk. Yeah it�s still gonna be paper work but I wld be able 2 head out 2 work on wpns when my paper work is done. � good thing: No need 2 adapt 2 a new environment again. � bad thing: Directly affected by � changes tht are taking place. � possibility of being attached out 2 other units or mayb even posting out. When there�s really nothing 2 do, they expect you 2 find sth 2 do, which 2 me is ridiculous.

With all these choices, I�m kinda confused as 2 which one 2 choose. I hvn�t really mention all � good & bad things abt each & every one of these choices, jus merely those important ones. Mayb I�ve already made � decision but there are more or less doubts as 2 whether my decision is a wise one. I�m too tired 2 think abt it & sometimes I really hope I don�t hafta think abt it. I wish tht fate can lead me 2 my decision but it�s not really possible. I�d hafta make tht decision eventually. We�ll see, we�ll see.