Should I?
Am contemplating whether i should change my course in University. It's a new course in NTU, & i'm very much interested in it. I'm quite enthusiastic abt it initially, but after considering certain factors, it doesn't seem to be a very feasible choice. Future job prospects & é market are currently hindering me from switching course immediately. I know it's too early to think so far ahead, but it's still something that i need to consider, nevertheless. On a side note, there's limited places available, so i might not even get into é course. Oh well, so should i or should i not?

Before i forgot, Happy Birthday, my dearest Mum! Thanks for everything, really. I know you will never read this, but it's something that i wanna say but don't really do so in real life. So instd, i decided to say it here. Really appreciate everything, truly, sincerely.

.Updates.
Range was quite alright, nothing much. Did pretty alright, thanks to é team. My night shoot could hve been better though, if not for my faded luminous tip.

é long weekend is coming to an end, sad to say. Though i fell sick in between, still managed to buy all my clothings for the upcoming festive season. Am feeling quite sick still, due to é fact tht i didn't really rest proper. Feel a little guilty as well for spending so much, it makes me feel like a spoilt brat. Sigh...

Been thinking alot lately & still feel kinda detached, like i don't belong anywhere. I feel tht mayb i really demand too much, or i'm too difficult to satisfy. I really dunno wat i want. I can't think of a proper solution whenever i'm in such a situation. All i know is that i get very upset when i'm in tht kind of situation. I don't want to be like tht, but i jus can't seem to get myself out of it. I get pissed & at é same time pissed people off, which is not a good thing at all.

I guess somehow it's my competitive nature tht's taking control. I jus wanna be é best tht i can be. So when i knw tht i'm not é best, i will jus get upset & back off. I knw i don't hve sportsmanship, i'm jus a plain sore loser, a very sore one indeed. I need to work my way round it, seriously.

-Dashed-
My hopes are dashed. I knew the truth will be out sooner or later, it's jus a matter of time. I know i shldn't expect too much, since i'm in no position to. But i thought there was still hope & hanged on. I'm definitely a little upset, it's natural. Nevertheless, life still goes on. Maybe i'll continue to wait for my chance to come or maybe someone new might come along é way. Whatever it is, there's no regrets & i'm still glad i made é move. I'm happy for her, nevertheless, i really am.

.Discouraged & Detached.
That's how i feel now.

.2004.
I know it's a little late for this, but as é saying goes, better late than never. A year just passed me by, with just a blink of an eye. Most of é time, i just wish it could have passed me a little quicker, sometimes i just wished that it could slow down. I've learnt alot about myself, definitely. And that's wat i'm gonna do now, self reflection.

This year has been an emotional roller-coaster ride for me. I've been through alot of downs, which come to think abt it, was quite unnecessary. It was all because of me being too over-sensitive & emotional, that resulted in me being unhappy, sad, disappointed, etc. I just think too deep into things, so much so that i tend to blow things up. I allowed my mind to just wander around too much. I can't help but think abt things, & most of é time, negatively.

I tried too hard as well, too hard to be someone i am not. I guess no matter how hard i try, i will never become é person i wanna be. I just hafta be myself & let nature take it's own course. Some things are just way beyond human control. I hate being myself, which is really bad, because i don't know how to appreciate myself. Because of this, i tend to have very low confidence & feel inferior. This is not a good thing, since people will bully me & take advantage, & in future, looking for a job can be really tough (I know, i think too far as well.). I need to have faith in myself & in é things that i do. I just need to believe in myself, to believe i can achieve é impossible. Loving oneself is a form of appreciation, appreciation of wat was given to me & not taking it for granted. This is definitely something i outta learn.

I'm learning how to be less sensitive in some areas & to be ignorant abt certain things, to prevent myself from over-thinking, from sinking deeper. I don't wanna feel tired of always blowing things up & making é other party suffer because of my emotions. It's tiring, really tiring to always be like that. More importantly, i don't wanna feel hurt. é scars that have been left behind reminds me of all é pain i've gone through. Enough is really enough, i'm trying not to hurt myself anymore, nor affect others around me.

Adopting a more positive attitude instead of always thinking in é negative way, is something that i'm learning as well. Pessimism will always remain in me, but i will try to curb it, to prevent it from getting outta hand. Don't take things for granted, honestly. I'm much more fortunate than many others, i realised. I must learn how to treasure every moment & every second, because you will never know wat will happen next. Stop complaining & grumbling, things aren't as bad as it seems, think abt how fortunate you are & you will understand.

Family, i didn't realise é importance of them, until i enlisted into army. I may not be close to my family, nor do i talk to them abt everything that goes on in my life, but i treasure them in my heart. Without them, i wouldn't have grown up to become who i am today. I'm learning how to not get frustrated whenever they ask abt everything or whenever they start their nagging sessions. They ask, because they care abt me, they nag, because they are concerned. I admit that i've never been a filial son, it is definitely something i need to improve on, before i begin to regret.

There are many lessons that i've learnt in this year, but i've only mentioned wat i feel is more important for now. If i do have é time, i will continue on in é next entry. Oh i almost forgot to mention, if you have something in mind that you wanna do, be daring enough to do it, otherwise you will live a life of regrets. I've done it & i have no regrets, even if é outcome isn't how i want it to be. At least i've tried.