Hate
I hate my Bro, i really do. He really does alot of things tht pissed me off. And � sad thing is i can't do anything abt it, or i can't be bothered 2 do anything. He brings his pals ever so often back home 2 play mahjong, which deprives me of my internet usage. As a result, since i had nothing better 2 do, i went 2 sleep at around 9.30pm for � past 2 days.

I mean if he brings them over during public holidays or festive seasons, it's understandable. But when you bring them over like 2 or 3 days in a row, doesn't it make � house more of a gambling den & less of a home? Come on, you are studying now but all you know how 2 do is 2 play mahjong, aren't you like wasting your parents money on  your education? You know you aren't making much money, but you still smoke, gamble, & splurge on luxury items, instd of saving up, isn't tht ridiculous? � saddest thing is tht you still hafta take money from your Mum, when you are already like 25 years old? Don't you think tht you are wasting your time? I suggest you better wake up before it's too late.

Other than tht, he doesn't take care of my stuff which are shared between � both of us. Tis really pissed me off, esp if it's something tht i really like alot. I mean when i use your stuff, i do take care of it & i expect you 2 at least do � same. But whenever i see my stuff after you have used them, it's always dirtied or spoilt etc. I mean, i don't mind lending things to you for usage, but at least take care of it, tht's � only thing i expect in return. Is it very demanding?

Sometimes i really wish i cld hve my own room, my own space & my own stuff. Mayb you can say i'm selfish, but 2 me, i jus feel tht i treasure my things more & tend 2 take great care of them. Don't you? Too bad my Mum's not on my side, she dotes on my Bro more. It's something i've come 2 realise quite sometime ago & proven when my Mum said it herself. It's quite sad, but it's a fact & i hafta accept it. I don't blame my Mum, since i'm � bad tempered one, � one who doesn't seem 2 have any of my parents' genes, � one who has more health problems as compared 2 my Bro, which means more money spent etc.

Sometimes i wonder whether my Mum really gave birth 2 me or adopted me instd, cauz i'm so different from � family. I'm hurt by my Mum's biased-ness (if there's such a word), but i guess i deserve it. Mayb i've sinned too much tht's why i'm getting all tis shit now. Tis is wat i call payback time, i suppose.

Besides feeling shitty at home, i feel shitty being a friend too. I've been giving tis fucked up attitude 2 most of my friends, esp 2 close pals of mine. I sincerely apologise for it, but you can't really blame me with all these going on in my life. Nothing's really going smooth, i'm troubled, alone & lost. Sometimes i really wish i wasn't born like tht or even born at all, sometimes i really wish i was dead. I never thought of committing suicide, since i'm a coward, so getting into an accident or get struck by lightning wld be preferrable. Sudden death, yes, tht's wat i wld call it.

I feel tht i don't deserve 2 live on tis earth, i really do. It's a torture for me 2 live here as well as a torture to those who know me. I'm like a pest, a menace, a person whom people wld wanna avoid. People wld really be better off w/o me, i'm serious. I know how much unhappiness i've caused & i'm prepared 2 live on my own. Tht's why i hafta learn 2 be independent, if i can hang on in there, tht is. If i can't, i wld pray for my sudden death 2 come, as early as possible. If you ask me which one i wld prefer, i wld say � latter.