Regrets
I regret heading in 2 R & I, i really do. I don't feel a sense of belongingness there, instd i feel like i'm a useless freak. For � past 2 wks, i've been heading out 2 � workshop instd of stayin in � office. Jus can't stay in � office for a long time. There's nothing 2 do & nobody whom i can really talk 2, unlike my previous section. Unless there's work 2 be done in there, i've decided 2 head out more often 2 � workshop. I jus feel more comfortable there as compared 2 � office. I jus can't fit in.

Besides � "fitting-in" thingy tht's making me regret, � upcoming changes kinda made me think tht way too. I feel like i've made � wrong move or shld i say an uncertain move. Uncertain such tht i dunno wat my future in there wld be like & how well i wld be able 2 cope. I'm not confident at all in taking over frm Jiahao, cause i feel tht i hvn't fully learnt everything in there. If tht's not worst, he'll be clearing his leave pretty soon. Who can i turn 2 then when i'm lost? There's HP but i cld hve learnt it when he was ard instd of asking only now right?

I really dunno but i'm jus confused. I knw i shld take things one step at a time but my future jus seems so bleak right now. I'm a coward, tht's why i feel tht way. I'm afraid of doing things all by myself, all alone, wth nobody 2 assist or stand by me. It's this feeling tht's makin me feel so unsure abt everything.

I'm regretting wat i did recently. I'm feeling � after-effects of it now. Everyday i go 2 camp carrying a heavily-burdened heart. But amidst tht, i still hafta put on a smile in front of my camp-mates so as not 2 affect their moods. I'm putting up a front 2 make me not regret my decision, 2 try 2 make them feel i'm better off w/o them. H/e, deep in my heart i knw i'm not. Whenever i face them, i try 2 be happier than them 2 make them think tht i'm a different person altogether & tht i'm not who i was before. And mayb because of tht, they will think tht i'm not worthy 2 be their friend. But � truth is, i'm jus putting on a mask. I'm jus trying 2 avoid them cause i've brought enough pain & hurt 2 them. I really don't wanna drag them further though how much i wish things wld be like � old times.

Is this � result of wat i've done? If it is, i'm regretting it now. I've been thinking, if i hadn't appear in their lives, cld they be leading a better life now? Though i wish things wld be back 2 normal, I still can't put down my pride & i can't bring myself 2 speak 2 them. I'm too stucked up i suppose. Sometimes, i really wanna heck care everything & take � initiative 2 speak 2 them, but i really can't do it. I don't expect them 2 forgive me cause wat i've done is beyond forgiveness. I knw i'm in � wrong, but i don't want 2 do anything abt it. Where's � sense in tht?

I'm sorry, i really am. But you do hafta understd why i'm doing this. I feel like i'm a burden 2 you guys, tht's why. I'm a person who expects people 2 reciprocate � same amt of care & concern i've given. When i don't get tht, i'm upset abt it. I can't help but feel this way. Like someone who wants 2 be � best in everything, i wanna feel tht way too in certain aspects of my life. And if i don't get tht, i'll be very disappointed. It's a mindset i'm trying 2 change but i can't. So when i don't get 2 tht stage, i back out. Don't wanna cause you guys more hurt or sink deeper into something which doesn't seem 2 hve an end. It'll only hurt me more.

I knw wat i'm doing now isn't right & you guys aren't 2 be blamed at all cause you hvn't done me wrong, but can you accept someone like me as a friend? Are you willing 2 carry this burden on you tht may bring you ups & downs so ever frequently tht you may jus explode at any instant & give it all up? Am i worth your attention, your trust, your care & concern? Am i deserving 2 be in this group of pals?

I hve been frowning ever since this thing happened. Even my Aunt has been asking me why i'm always sulking. I dunno how 2 answer her nor do i wanna tell her abt my probs. I don't usually do & i doubt she'll understd. Everyday after work, i leave camp wth a heart tht's hurt, heavily wounded or wat hve you. I face you guys wth an ignorant look but deep in my heart i care so much tht i wanna jus cry in front of you jus 2 let you knw how much i treasure � bonds we share. But i can't bring myself 2 do it cause time & again you'll suffer. I'm not sure whether you are ready 2 take up this challenge or not.

I knw you guys feel hurt too, wth those hints tht you drop whenever you guys speak. It's like darts frm your mouths, aiming at my heart, damaging it. My heart is so fragile tht it's really gonna crumble at any moment. I dunno how 2 face you guys, tht's why i chose 2 runaway. I deeply regret....