Why work so hard?
Tht's � question tht i hve been asking myself recently. I really dunno why but can't help feeling tht there's no point for me working so hard in � workshop. I'm not trying 2 show how hardworking i am, nor am i trying 2 get into � good books of my seniors, it's jus my character 2 work on sth so tht time will pass by more easily. I mean honestly, don't you think tht time seem 2 pass by more slowly when you've got nothing 2 do at all? For me, i wld rather look for sth 2 do then 2 idle around in � workshop, waiting for any seniors 2 arrow me wth odd jobs or wat i call "Sai Gang". I knw tht by being tis way, people may not like me, cauz i'm too "Garang" or spoiling � market, which means 2 do sth extra resulting in � rest having 2 do � same thing as you are doing when instd they cld hve sat down & did nothing at all. But if there's sth 2 do, why not complete it so tht you will work till you forget abt � time, instd of jus sitting there idling, waiting for � time 2 pass by. I admit tht if there's really nothing 2 do, we can jus sit down, chit chat & stuff. But � problem nowadays, nobody wants 2 take � initiative 2 start doing anything.

Tht's wat my section has become of. It's more segregated & disorganised. I'm really disappointed & upset abt it, cauz � section was once a united & lively one. But it seems like it has already fallen apart. I tried pulling everyone together again, but my efforts are futile. I'm tired & worn out of doing everything tht i can. I jus feel tht nobody appreciates my hardwork & there's simply no reason for me 2 work tht hard. Mayb i shld jus wash my hands of certain things if i can, & not work so hard. Mayb i shld jus save my breath & not talk 2 much, jus in case wat i say is something vicious & hurting again. Mayb i shld jus head up 2 become � personal assistant of my commanding officer, since everyone must be hating me for being so "garang", thinking how stupid a person i am for working so hard in � army & having such mood swings & weird attitudes.

Why do i work so hard? Wat am i trying 2 achieve? Is there a need 2 work so hard in � army where nobody appreciates your effort at all? Why work so hard when nobody is even working at all? Why always be � one who goes out 2 � counter 2 receive wpns for repair or be � 1st 2 do area cleaning, when � rest of your section mates are sitting in � workshop doing almost nothing? Are you trying 2 get your section mates into trouble cauz it shows tht you are doing everything & they aren't? Are you trying 2 gain power in � section so tht you can order people around? I question myself. Can't help thinking abt wat others think abt me too, cauz i really wanna knw, esp for frens tht are close 2 me.

I feel like a loner recently in � workshop. Jus when i thought it's difficult 2 hve close friendships wth camp mates, everything jus seems 2 be going wrong. I think it's really me, being too sensitive & overthinking abt � whole situation. I really dunno why i'm feeling this way. Mayb wat Gavin said is right, tht i'm wasting my time pondering over so many things, thinking abt how others feel & think abt me, when life is short. Why can't i be someone who's a little bit more insensitive, not bothering abt how others feel & not creating problems frm time 2 time? Why can't i jus walk out of camp w/o having 2 think abt how's my future gonna be like in army & how long my friendship's gonna last wth � camp mates tht i'm close 2 now?

Mayb i'm not getting � attention tht i desire. I'm a person who seeks � attention & care & concern of others, tht's definite. Tht's why i envy those tht can sit alone for a little while, before having his frens come over 2 chat & be wth him. It shows tht he doesn't need 2 look for company & is someone whom everybody likes. I'm more of those tht don't take � initiative 2 get into a grp so as not 2 feel left out. Mayb tht's why i feel like a loner. But if i don't do tht, how am i gonna get rid of tht feeling? Wat's so difficult abt taking � initiative 2 get into a grp? It's � same abt trying 2 be someone else & being yourself. Take me for example, � case of being sensitive. If i were 2 be someone else, i might not think 2 much & hve problems popping up of nowhere. But i'm not myself, i argue. Why not jus be myself? But being yourself means you'll hve endless thoughts & problems. It's so contradicting tht i'm at a lost myself. But am i demanding too much by seeking tht desire attention?

There's something tht i realise though, some things are jus not meant 2 be. So no matter how much effort you put in, nothing will come out of it in � end. Take for example a friendship, if you are gonna be good frens wth him, you are gonna be. Why try so hard 2 be someone else's good fren, when you knw tht you are not? To this fren of mine, i guess i'm trying 2 hard. Now i realise tht actually i can nvr be your good fren, at least tht's wat i think. I guess you hve found someone else, frm � looks of it. I'm a little upset & disappointed, but it's your character & i've come 2 accept tht. Guess i don't bring as much joy as your new found fren does. I congratulate you on being able 2 be so close 2 him in such a short period of time & i envy tht. Now i shall not repeat my mistake of trying 2 be someone's good fren, i shall jus be natural abt it. Sometimes i really wanna be someone's good fren, but now i knw i never was & can never be if i hve this type of attitude. I ponder whether i'm fit 2 be anybody's good fren.....All i can say is tht I'm trying too hard........